Yes, another quote from The Matrix. And yes, it's because I saw it again. #4 for Jennifer, baby, and I don't plan on stopping there. Well, maybe no more theaters. But I'm definitely getting it on video. I have the soundtrack and the screensaver, too!! :-) I'm a freak, I know.
I have survived my midterms for Spring Quarter, 1999. I'm so glad they're over, even though I know that finals are just 5 weeks away. And I set the curve on my statistics midterm!!! Go, me!!! But we'll just stop there and not ask how my other two went. We'll try to keep this post upbeat.
This past weekend was fun. Friday day, after my midterm, I came back here and slept for 4 hours or so. Then Friday night was UCLA's 50th annual Spring Sing. It's like a talent show, but more fun. It was hysterical, especially the in-between acts! My RA from last year was in it, and man, he was so hilarious. And Bobby did a great job with his fraternity Theta Chi in conjunction with the sorority Alpha Phi doing the skit based on "Guys and Dolls"!! I had a lot of fun, and even though you guys didn't win, I thought you were awesome!!
Saturday, Bryan's friends Johnny and Jason were visiting. Bobby, Bryan, Johnny and I went rollerblading in Lot 14 and parts of Westwood... that was fun, and lots of funny things happened in a matter of a couple hours. Then I even got to drive Bryan's car a little ways from Lot 14 back here to the dorms! It was awesome. Then I had a phone interview with REI for a possible job (as a cashier... damn IBM!!) this summer. That went well. I talked to my sister for a while, then Bobby, Bryan, Tina Wu, Jason, Johnny and I went to Mongol's for dinner, then came back here and hung out, then went to a couple apartment parties [enter also Eric, Bethany, Lexi, and Regina]. It was fun. Went to bed around 2.
Sunday I got to go to Torrance to visit my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on my dad's side!! That was a lot of fun. It was my cousin Maki's 28th birthday (Happy Birthday!), not to mention Mother's Day, so we ate a lot, laughed a lot, the usual. Even my cousin Tadashi was there, so I was excited. I missed Chika, his sister and my same-age cousin, though!! Then two of my cousins and Eiko went to see The Matrix... it was Maki's 3rd time and my 4th. Gotta agree with Maki... Keanu looks damn good. I mean, yeah, he's a really bad actor, but he looks SO good doing it!!
I've been really discouraged with school lately, but at the same time, my new attitude towards dealing with my problems is still in the back of my mind, waiting for me to put it to good use. I want to be more optimistic and happy, I really do. I'm just trying to start, and then I have to get used to it. Please be patient. I think when summer comes, I'll be a little better. :-)
The weather's looking a little better today, and there's a party this Thursday at good ol' Theta Chi, so things are already on their way to looking brighter. No more midterms, more sleep in the future, and May sweeps on TV means more new Party of Five episodes. Plus I get my developed pictures tomorrow so Iheir moms that they're appreciated and not taken for granted. How do I tell my mom that now? I think it's too late, but I can still appreciate everything she's done for me by keeping her closer to my heart than I have been lately. And I'm going to think about her more often and remember her.
I hope she's proud of the person I've become in the 7 years without her. And I know she knows that I haven't been the best person I could have been, but I hope she still loves me for who I am because I still and forever will love the person that she was.
I cut my hair.
Wait, let me start over. I think that was an understatement.
I chopped my hair. Over 8 inches of my straight, thick hair... now in a bag in my room. Well, and some that I didn't save, in the dumpster behind Freddy and Liana's salon. My shortest layer that I had was longer than the longest of my hair now. The longest part of my hair in the front is just about nose length. If you watch Party of Five, it's about as short as Julia's (Neve Campbell's), if not a little shorter. AND it's streaked with red, very noticeably.
And I LIKE it. I think it'll bother me later that I can't really do anything with it except maybe clip it up on the sides, but it's so low-maintenance. I hopped out of the shower, towel dried it, and here I am. I put a little gel in it to keep it out of my face. But that's it. And it's summery. I can't believe I did such a spur-of-the-moment thing! I went in thinking, "No highlights, and somewhere between shoulder- and chin-length." I surprise myself, sometimes.
And last night, at 3:15 am, Devin came over while me and Bobby were hanging out here in my room. That was crazy, too. I didn't think he would actually come over.
I hope my dad's right. He told me that sometimes, when you get a new look or a new haircut or whatever, your attitude changes towards life and stuff. And with the whole stressful situation I've had with classes and majors and Josh and stuff, this is hopefully just what I need. A little Spring Cleaning for the soul. And it's the first of May, so maybe this is a new beginning. :-) I hope so. And I hope people like my hair. And I hope I don't get sick of it. Maybe I'll put up a picture of it when I get it developed. I'll have a before and after thing or something. :-)
Okay, hello, I have two midterms and a project next week. I have to study, thanks. But I have to put more stuff in my scrap book first. :-) Have a good weekend!
Note the time. That's 3:28 AM. As in IN THE MORNING. I'm actually programming... and I need a short break to clear my head from the cons-ing, car-ing, cdr-ing, and all in all lisp-ing. So I thought I'd write.
Things looked up a little after my office hours with my professors... which is good 'cause I still haven't come up with an alternative major. But man, I need a back massage in the worst way. I sit funny when I'm at the computer too long, I think. But anyway, my professors helped a little, and Gavin, Josh, and John helped me, too, and it's nice to have friends who A) know what they're doing and B) are willing to help me out.
Anyway, just wanted to lighten the mood on this Expressions page because I felt like I left it too depressing last time. Oh, and it rained today! Like, POURED... even hailed! But I was in graphics for the duration of it (I guess it's really as long as it feels if a rainstorm can pass through while I'm in class). So yeah, I'll be taking a LONG nap tomorrow after class. Then it's chugging along on my graphics project, finishing up my stats homework, and studying for all 3 of my midterms. Fun fun.
I've been having a crazy week, and it's only Wednesday. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my Computer Science classes (especially graphics, which happens to be an elective) and I've contemplated changing my major. No final decisions yet. I know that I'm at least waiting until I finish this quarter AND the next because maybe it's just that graphics isn't my calling, or maybe it's just the professor or something. But even in my AI class, I'm going to the same classes as everyone else and reading the same book as everyone else and understanding everything, but I just can't seem to think the "right" way, and I'm having an increasingly hard time keeping up with my programming assignments. It takes me so much longer than everyone, and that's just assuming that I end up getting it in the end.
It's frustrating because I love to program. I love to sit at the computer and figure out how to make a program work. And I totally love the feeling when your program works. It's such a natural high! But my classes are kicking my butt, and if this is an indication as to how I'm going to do in the real world, do I really want this? Wouldn't it be more worth doing something I just tolerate, as long as I'm good at it? And another thing is, I don't know what I would major in IF I changed my major. My sister was like, "Well, what do you love to do?" And I replied, "Draw." But that's not practical. I need something concrete. I was thinking of counting on art and music when I had kids and wanted to stay home for a while, like I could teach piano or something. But I have always wanted to be a programmer or something before and after that. I don't want to count on something that, in my opinion, is so abstract, as my living.
So I guess I'm basically deciding on my own right now that I most likely will stay with my major. I love it, I just have a hard time with it. And there seem to be no alternatives, and it's something that I really want. So I'm just going to keep the idea of changing my major in the back of my mind, and go through the motions this quarter, and try to do as well as possible in my classes.
On a lighter note, I'm going to cut my hair this weekend. I'm thinking, shoulder length at the shortest, maybe a little below the shoulders. I want a change in my life. I think I'm a little burnt-out, this being the last quarter of my second year in college (*gasp!* Oh my gosh!! I'll be halfway done after this quarter!!)
And I had a good Saturday night (the rest of the weekend was spent agonizing over programs that I couldn't figure out) at Theta Chi for their ISVT party. Tons and tons of fun, plus I got to wear my new halter top.
Today, I'll be meeting with both my computer science professors and talking with them and getting help from them at their office hours. But before that, I have stupid statistics. It's no fun. Then I also have a graphics lecture, which shouldn't be too bad. I think it's interesting, I just have a hard time coding it.
And this weekend will be a study-a-thon because I have all three of my midterms of the quarter next Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, plus a graphics project due on that Friday (the class that I have the hardest time in). Ai ya yai, I get a headache just thinking about this weekend. So I wont. :-)
Anyway, it's hump-day (I hate that term, but it is), so have a good one, and a good rest of the week in case I don't have time to update until next week. And someone do something about this cloudy weather!!! Take care, everyone.
I'm in a CS frame of mind right now. I'm in one of the SEAS computer labs with Gavin (Hi, Gavin, who's sitting two computers down from me right now!). We just had an 8 am discussion with John and Josh who already went their respective ways. The sample lab that the professor gave us is really cool... we need to be at this terminal to see it. Sucks that we actually have to implement it now. :-(
Damn these ghetto keyboards!! My wrists are hurting 'cause I'm not used to the normal keyboards! I didn't think it made that much of a difference, but it does! I miss my ergonomic!
Tonight [Friday night], what will I be doing?? STUDYING. If I don't study tonight AND tomorrow day AND Sunday all day and night, I can't go out tomorrow night, which is like, the biggest party night of the year here at ucla. It's ISVT day, Inter-Sorostitute Volleyball Tournament, and the parties afterwards are so crazy, like, the streets get blocked off by the massive number of people. I don't know if I'll be in the mood, but I will definitely be out there at Theta Chi, hanging out with the guys! :-) But I want to watch Only You as a study break. :-) I haven't watched it in awhile.
Guess what Gavin is doing right now. He's watching his computer screen, waiting for a function he just wrote to partition a set of 20 numbers into two lists. So far, it's been like 3 minutes, and on his screen is just line after line of the computer dumping cache memory and stuff 'cause it's gotta loop and search so much. It's kinda funny. He just gave me a dirty look because I said, "What if it finishes, but isn't the right answer?" Ha ha ha!!
Oh, dear God, I really AM a nerd.
Have a great and productive weekend, everyone! And where the hell did the sun go?!
Yeah, so it's been awhile. A week, actually. Sorry about that. I have a feeling this quarter won't be like the last, where I was posting like, every day. It's a really tough quarter, and with the apartment stuff this past week and a half, it's been really, really stressful. But we have things all settled, and we'll be signing our lease next week! In fact, I think we'll most likely get the extra parking spot we need 'cause we're the first to ask! We're so excited! Things are better between the three of us (no fourth roommate after all, so no stress there), too, and I hope it stays that way.
I guess it's been, like, mental/emotional spring cleaning for me. I cleared things up with Josh (just friends), and I've been having a real rollercoaster of a week. Sometimes, like yesterday, I feel sad and overwhelmed and lost. Other times, like today, I feel like the quote of the day sounds: optimistic.
But why should I feel optimistic, though? I mean, yeah, yeah, I'll be hurt hundreds of times by guys in my life, right? But I'll find the right one soon enough, right? What if I need someone to care about and to care about me right now? What do I do then? I know, I can be strong and all that, but I'm sick of that. It's discouraging, to say the least, to put so much of yourself into something, so whole-heartedly, and then be the one who's hurt in the end. I put my mask on every morning and go through the motions of being okay. I just didn't expect to be this hurt over something so seemingly petty to other people.
All the same, even with the discouraging stuff going on in my life, new beginnings are approaching, new doors are appearing and begging to be opened. A new lifestyle will start September (living in an apartment AND having my car!!!), new roommates, new problems and worries, new exciting things, a new computer (woo hoo!!), and maybe a new outlook on life (?). Maybe a new guy I'll let into my life (?). Okay, maybe the latter two aren't so probable. But you never know.
So yes, I'm still alive, yes, I'm stressed out, and yes, of course, I'm procrastinating right now. Speaking of which, I have to get this assignment done. So I'm just touching base, and I hope I'll have time to write again soon, and with a good attitude while I'm at it. Have a good rest of the week, everyone, and I hope I have one, too.
Not a great day, but a good day considering. Yesterday was a bad day. I can't believe I put so much of myself into this.
On a lighter note, I got a new hat and new sleeping shorts today. It's kinda funny because I went in looking for exercise clothes, and I came out with kick-back clothes. Oh, well. I think we're going to the beach tomorrow, which is probably the last thing I should be doing, but sitting here won't do me much good if I knew I could be at the beach. Plus, if I GO to the beach, I'll come back and know that I have tons to do... even though I think we're going to see The Matrix again tomorrow night. :-)
Oh, well, I think I need a break to get my mind off stuff anyway. So I should get off my butt and study now while I can. Party of Five is tonight... FINALLY!! It's been 3 weeks!!
Weather tomorrow in LA: 79 degrees! Have a good day, and hopefully, I'll feel better soon.
Andrea is my roommate from last year, by the way.
Ok, for those of you who haven't seen The Matrix, go out and see it NOW. It's a really, really great movie, and I can't stress that enough. So far, everyone I know who's seen it has liked it, even though none of us like Keanu very much.
I got officially enrolled in my graphics class today!! Woo hoo!! And I did my laundry today, so I'll get to snuggle into a nice, fresh-smelling bed tonight... not that my bed wasn't fresh-smelling or nice before, but you know what I mean. And I think I might be going out this weekend with Devin, but I'm not sure yet. He's supposed to call me sometime this week again. And my roommate won't be here 'cause she's going to the crew races in Sacramento! So it'll be nice to play my music loud as late as I want and not worry about her. :-)
We found a really cool apartment and put money down to hold it and stuff this weekend while Kootie (Hi, Kootie!) was visiting! It's right near the dorms, and it's really pretty nice. We'll see what happens with that.
Other than that, this quarter has been kicking my butt. And I have to go study right now, 'cause I'm falling behind. :-( Wish me luck, in getting an apartment, finding a 4th roommate, and understanding Lisp (the programming language) and OpenGL. *sigh* Have a good week. At least the weather will be warm!
I hope I didn't already use that quote. :-)
I already exchanged my graphics class. I got out of the graphics class I was enrolled in and put myself on the waitlist for the other lecture. I heard from a friend who heard from a reliable source that the professor we had was really hard and really brutal, grade-wise. We have to learn Java on our own if we stay in this class!! We'll see what happens. Gavin thinks that the other class (the one we just enrolled in) is OpenGL. We'll see.
I think my AI class will be really fun. There are 4 of us in that class together, the professor seems cool (the other 3 guys had him for CS 51A and they say he's cool), and I like the way he teaches already. And stats... well stats is stats. :-)
Lots of reading to do. And I have class today 4-6 'cause of my new class, so I better get to reading. :-p I hope it won't rain again for a while... Kootie's coming down this weekend!
As the quote suggests, today would have been my mom's 48th birthday. So happy birthday, Mommy. :-)
Today was my first day of classes for this quarter. I just have one class on Mondays and Wednesdays, 12-1 pm so it's nice. I can wake up at 10, get ready, eat lunch at 11, and make it to class by 12. I have stat 110a on M and W. This short little Asian woman professor. It was funny, she was making fun of herself, saying she's pretty sneaky 'cause she's Chinese and that she's a bad driver (Asian women? Bad drivers? Never heard it before. Ha ha). But she's kinda psycho. She laughs like she's really nervous and she's kinda hyper and talks fast and fleeting. And she admits she has bad handwriting and when she writes on the board, it's all unorganized... arrows everywhere. But it's not so bad. Lecture notes on the web, handouts on the web, 5 out of 6 homework assignments graded, no quizzes. But the final is 55%, the midterm 35%, and homework 10%, so I'm sure I'll screw up the final. :-p Leave it to Jenn.
My roommate seems to just have gotten home while I was at class and buying books. She missed some of her classes already. What a way to start the quarter.
Speaking of books, my graphics book has 1161 pages, my AI book has 932, and my stats book has 680. It was like $183.xx, but I guess considering like 500 trees were cut down on my behalf, it's not so bad. There goes my hopes of an easy quarter. :-\ At least the graphics book has pretty pictures.
Anyways... I'll leave it at that. :-) Have a great week, everyone!
Here I am, back in LA. When I was in the shuttle and we got back into Westwood, I felt like I was gone for longer than a week. But thinking back, I didn't do much at home, either. It was relaxing, and last night, I hung out with Bobby and Chrissy. It's nice to be back, too.
And now I have to go buy books. It should only be about $150 this quarter!! Last quarter was like $300 'cause of the stupid history class I took. But then my friend John gave me his books for free, so I got money back for Daddy. :-) Anyways... spring quarter should be pretty cool. Cool or not, it's here. :-p
Ok, I went to bed at 3:15 this morning. And I woke up at 9:00 to get ready. And I was taking a final from 11:30-2:30 (the entire time), then from 3:00-5:45 pm. I have a really gross blister down by where my thumb connects to the rest of my hand. It hurts like a bitch, and it's all red and swollen. A 15 page final in math, and 3 essays in history. But you know what? I don't care. I'M DONE!!! It's Spring Break, as far as I'm concerned, thunderstorms in LA or not!!! And San Jose, I'm COMING HOME!!!!!!!!
Two down, two to go. Finals, that is. I thought I did okay on my math one (Math 33a, not 61. My 61 final is on Wednesday morning). But the answers posted on the internet prove otherwise. I don't think I did that bad, but I thought I did better than this.
I talked to Devin tonight... I haven't talked to him on the phone since he moved out of the fraternity house. It was nice to hear his voice... I haven't even seen him in a week and a half. It's hard to believe he won't be here next year. (He's going to Law School in the fall, for those of you who don't know him.) But he's a smart boy. He'll go far, and break more hearts on his way. :-) Ah, Devin. You'll never change.
To address the lyrics... just waiting for things to fall into place with this whole Josh thing. Maybe it sounds exaggerated (the quote), but it's very real to me.
2 full nights and a full day of studying ahead, then 6 hours of practically back-to-back finals. *deep breath* Here goes nothing....
What a day. To start off the morning, I couldn't sleep until about 2 in the morning, and I had to get up at 7 to do some last minute cramming for my final this morning in CS lab. When I wake up, I wake up to rain. So I do my preparations for the final, and we go to our final. It's hard as $%&@. And with 20 minutes left, right when I'm frantically trying to just put some answer into the empty spaces, the most obnoxious fire alarm goes off. I keep working. People are looking around, but I keep working. My concentration ruined, when the TAs finally tell us we should leave, I'm so frustrated that I just give in. I stand up and turn in my paper. And as I'm putting my sweatshirt back on, the alarm ceases to blare. Despite the eminent tears of frustration, I just keep walking to the exit, too upset to care.
But I get over it, and even survive the walk home with Josh, Gavin, and Bobby, all of whom actually got tangible answers to their finals without bursting into tears. [I guess Professor Steele was right about women not keeping up to par with their male counterparts.] I eat brunch. I take a good 2 hour, 45 minute nap. I take a nice, long, almost-warm-enough shower. I get some reading done. And I forget about the final and the rain that had stopped during the day and just think about the book I'm reading for History and when Josh would call to go out tonight.
Well, it's 8:55 pm and where am I? I'm at home. At my computer. Sitting by the phone. Waiting for it to ring. And it's ringing, all right. I've taken 6 messages for my roommate in the past hour alone. It's not like Josh to forget. But I'm not going to call him. But if I don't call him, I'll wonder what's going on. I'll wonder if it's going to end as abruptly as it started. Because I have this nagging feeling that if he doesn't call tonight, it might just be over, not because I want it to be because that's the complete opposite of what I want. I think if he doesn't call, that he's ending it.
Today was the last day of classes for Winter Quarter, 1999. THANK GOD!! I'll never have to attend another lecture with Hernek again!!! I hated her so much.
My roommate had a bad day this morning, and I actually felt sad for her. I cried for her. After what she did (and I'm still not completely okay about), I still had tears for her. I guess I'm human after all. And it was about her and Jon, too. I never cease to amaze myself.
Tomorrow is the beginning of the end. Final #1. I shouldn't have to study for it, at least not much. It's my CS lab, and it shouldn't be that bad. I still have to read a whole book for my history final on Wednesday from 3-6. :-( Or at least fudge it a little. And I have to study like crazy for Math 61, and quite a bit for Math 33a. :-p But I'm not stressed out at ALL, which scares me. Maybe after tomorrow's final, I'll get a good kick in the ass.
Wish me luck studying! And if you're in finals week, good luck to you. And if you're done with finals... SCREW YOU!!! :-) See you soon!!!
That line of the poem "Masks" just sounds so tragic to me. Not that my day was tragic, but it kinda explains the way I feel today. Not perfectly, but kinda. I just feel like there's so much raging within me, so much frustration and yearning and love and eagerness and paranoia and sadness and anticipation and dread, all at once.
Something happened today that made me feel happy, suspicious, and sad all at the same time. It's rare that that happens. And I'd rather not go into details on a topic so intimately personal and close to my heart on something so public and open as the internet. You can ask me about it via e-mail if you want to hear the story.
But in talking to my dear friend Raymond about it, I found out that, regarding my recent post about losing faith in people, I still possess the ability to care about someone. I made the decision today that helping to maintain another person's "innocence" on love and relationships is more important to me than my own short-term happiness. I'm making a sacrifice -- my already weak and brittle heart -- and taking the chance that I'll be helping someone close to my heart, whether he knows it or not. While something bad can quite possibly shatter my heart (and my faith in love), it's nothing in comparison to what it can do to someone not as well-versed in the situation in question.
As the quote kinda implies, I had a pretty blah day. The midterm went. Not well, not bad. It just went. I saw Josh today, but he came late and I didn't sit next to him, and then he had to hurry to his next class 'cause he's on crutches now. Poor Josh. :-( On crutches, the ucla campus isn't your best friend, what with the stairs and unavoidable hills. But he seemed... distant... again. I left him an ICQ message, and I tried calling earlier, but he wasn't there.
Party of Five was great today!! Julia FINALLY left Ned!!! Now, bring on the lesbian encounter. I wonder if that's really going to happen. We'll see, I guess. For the record, I would never, ever do what Maggie did and said for Julia for Vivian. And I hear Claudia's going to hook up with Griffin, but I think anyone could have called that one. I can't wait to see who wins custody of "Slowen" next week!
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the weather. It actually rained this morning. Luckily, none of my classes this quarter start before 11. :-) When I woke up, I felt as fine as I could have felt, considering I had gone to bed 7½ hours before. But even in my first class (which was even a discussion and usually easier to stay awake in), I was really, extremely sleepy. I think I even dozed for a minute or two during the review for my midterm tomorrow. I thought it was because I hadn't eaten, even though I never eat breakfast. But even after eating, I was tired. I went to history (sans Bobby because he wasn't feeling well) and fell asleep for another few minute increments. Then again, it's not unusual to fall asleep in that class. When I got back from class, I decided to take a nap. I slept for almost two hours. That's unheard of for me!! I hardly ever take naps, and when I do, it's usually an hour, max. I'm not sick. I feel fine. Maybe the fatigue of this quarter's catching up to me. Or maybe I'm just trying to put off the studying I have to do tonight. :-)
Me? Procrastinate?? Never.
I'm bored of all my nail polish colors, or I'm just not in the mood for any of them right now. They're a nice length right now. So I just put one two clear coats. They remind me of Jeannie in the 7th grade because she almost always had her nails coated in clear, and it always made me envious (I was still at my nail-biting stage). They still don't look as good as I remember Jeannie's looking, but it'll have to do.
I enrolled in the last class I needed for next quarter (stats) yesterday. I must have been lucky 'cause it closed overnight, and there were 27/30 people already enrolled when I called in, according to the ursa online. My schedule sucks next quarter, with only an hour of class (12-1 pm) on MW, a 4 hour gap between classes on T, a 3 hour gap on R, and an 8 am, two hour lab on F and a class 12-1pm. But I figure, for Spring Quarter, it'll be nice and warm (hence the desire to go to the beach like Bobby and Bryan will be able to do on Thursdays next quarter and like me, Bobby, and Paul used to do last spring quarter) and I'll just lay out on a lawn somewhere and tan while I read or something.... Not that any of my classes will have a lot of reading like my history class, per se. But I'll manage somehow. I think it's going to be a tough quarter unless I keep up, anyway. *sigh* I hate when you KNOW it's going to be a tough quarter. It's so hard to even start the quarter caught up. Trust me. I know.
Ok, now, I'm blatantly procrastinating. So I'm going to go attempt to do some math problems. I already outlined my notes and my book, so it's just a matter of doing the problems and making my notecard. (Thank God for notecards!!!!!) Wish me luck on my midterm tomorrow!! Send me smart vibes, in the form of linear transformations, homogeneous and non-homogeneous ordinary differential equations, and eigenvalues and eigen vectors. Don't bother sending me Wronskian or Vandermonde vibes... I understand that just fine, thanks.
